This JC kid is nearing rock bottom |
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By RomulusJLupin  It’s almost 1am and yours sincerely is reaching his breaking point. Anyways, just to give some context, I am a student currently enrolled in a “top-tier” junior college who's this close to giving up entirely. I am very tired, though I can't quite articulate how exactly. It’s like living everyday with your mind running at half throttle, like there’s a mental fog that disallows you to think straight. I can’t read books because the ability to focus eludes me big time; separately I lost passion for subjects erstwhile embraced such as the sciences, literature etc. The perpetual mental exhaustion took a toll on my physical being too - these days I possess nary an appetite and eat for mere sustenance. I was once extremely active, however my present sedentary lifestyle caused me to gain quite a bit of weight (needless to say my self-esteem went right out the window). Essentially, I am a shell of what I used to be and it’s unnerving because no one ever sees me as someone in “dire need of help”, consequently I kept questioning if it’s all in my head or perhaps I am plain pathetic. I have suffered anxiety attacks aplenty; in fact I get stressed so often by literally the smallest of things I end up experiencing dizziness, shortness of breath, the works - which therefore meant I needed to sit myself down somewhere until I could cool off properly. Folks sometimes joke about how their problems made mine pale in comparison, while my parents lamented my supposed laziness and lack of discipline. They opined I was stronger a few years back and could never fathom the disappointment I have become now. My favourite teacher alongside a close confidante recently echoed the same sentiments; I seriously wonder whether I am really beyond salvation. In secondary school I had the respect of all my peers because everyone reckoned I was “intelligent” and among the “wisest”. Classmates would teasingly nickname me the future CEO or whatever of the group because that’s how highly they thought of me. When I first entered junior college, things started off seemingly well. As my emotions rode the rollercoaster and grades plummeted many close friends either stopped communicating or walked away altogether. Ostensibly my parents also grew more distant owing to work commitments.....then again maybe they no longer gave a damn. All this bellyaching albeit anonymously makes me feel wretchedly selfish regardless. Still I am acutely cognizant of the fact no one is going to help mitigate the mess ensnaring me. Not my family, not my former friends who aren’t returning for good and certainly not my current acquaintances who don’t care enough to throw me a lifeline. Alone forward through murky waters it shall have to be. Say a tiny prayer for moi; either I will survive, or I won't. By the way, thanks for reading my rant. |
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YOU MAY WISH TO READ: Secondary school wasn't good to me or for me, not in the slightest way. I have a love-hate relationship with my parents This is not the life I want. It never rains but pours. |
