Death By Loneliness |
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By PakistanPride  I'm currently a J1 student from an elite junior college (via the JAE) and I'm teetering on the brink of suicide. I'm not here to share some long-winded story but just to tell everyone that: Loneliness kills. It's this sickening feeling of being surrounded by people in your class, your cca mates and not being able to really talk to them. It's not having any friends in your class even though they're literally the group of people you spend most of the time with day in, day out. It's you constantly being the one asking your secondary school friends out without anyone else ever bothering to take the initiative. Loneliness is eating alone every day by yourself whilst everyone else is doing so in groups. Or it could also be that sickening, hopeless sense of fear of missing out (FOMO) when you witness your supposedly closest pals popping up more times on the Instagram stories of others than you do. It's the blood-boiling indignance as you curse the heavens for your shitty predicament. It's seeing other people in class take photos with their friends, knowing damn well that you'd never appear in them. It's also walking to and from school alone daily and have your peers pass you by in pairs as they chat with each other incessantly. It's the sort of isolation where no one actively avoids you but no one engages you either - the cruel purgatory where no one hates you, but as a collective, they unconsciously exclude you. It's having thoughts like: "Why did I end up with this class?" "What did I do to deserve this misfortune" "What the hell is wrong with me?" "How can I have myself transferred to another school" running through your head 24/7, even on weekends. It's spending countless nights crying yourself to sleep, wishing you'd get knocked down by a car so you won't have to feel this way anymore or staring down from the corridor outside your classroom wondering hey wouldn't it be swell if I jumped right now. It's wishing you'd never been born and contemplating suicide every. Single. Day. For the past 3 months. I never even got a fair chance at a normal JC life. So guys, please I'm imploring you, begging you, pleading with you, do try to befriend that quiet lad or lass who's always sitting quietly in one corner of the classroom, or perhaps try integrating him/her into your clique. Don't leave them alone, don't abandon them. After all, loneliness kills. |
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