CNY reopens painful old wounds |
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With CNY arriving shortly, many would probably dread the impending questions posed by nosey relatives about one's personal affairs, such as whether he/she has found a girl/boyfriend and if not, why......so on and so forth. Yet this is seriously nothing next to my own set of circumstances. For me, CNY is a time when my extremely dark and sad past returns to haunt, to reopen painful old wounds. I came from a dysfunctional family and really hated everyone in it, from my parents to my dad's many brothers and sisters (aka my uncles and aunts). For a start, my dad was never around, almost always absent from my life. My only existing memories as far as he is concerned were those of me getting beaten up by him when I misbehaved. My mom loved me, but she detested my brother (and very openly too). She would inform him outright that food on the table was meant for me, not for him. And that she loved me and not him because she breastfed me but not him, so she had no emotional 'connection' with him whatsoever (I mean wtf right????). My parents are divorced. Those moments when my dad packed his suitcase and literally walked out on the family are forever seared in my mind, especially the bit involving my mom begging me to ask my dad to stay. I had to sleep with her on their matrimonial bed that night, fearful that she would take her own life. After my grandparents passed away, the extended family fell apart. It was never united to begin with, many uncles and aunts were always seen squabbling over money and being explicitly jealous of one another's riches or accomplishments. My brother is a womanizer and got divorced himself almost as soon as he was married. I have my dad blocked on WhatsApp but he still texted both me and my brother, pleading us to "forget the past" and possibly meet up for a reunion dinner. I want so much to tell him right in the face go f**k yourself. It's darn easy for him to just demand reconciliation. Well newsflash, he's not the one with a traumatized childhood. People have been telling me that perhaps I should make an effort to forgive before my parents grow old and eventually depart from this world, before it all gets too late. I know that of course, but then again it's always easier said than done. I can't just set aside all the hurt and pretend there is love in a relationship where there isn't the slightest bit. So during this CNY and for many more to come, I won't be having any reunion dinners or visiting families like others do. I will be alone, with harrowing flashbacks for company. |
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YOU MAY WISH TO READ: Dad and Mum used very different disciplining methods on me as a child Family-Same same but different Unable to feel love for parents, moral compass faulty? |
